Dear King Haakon

2008-10-21T17:22:00.002-02:00

2008-10-21T17:19:00.001-02:00

2007-07-05T22:51:00.001-03:00

Estou lendo - em um ritmo lento, bem lento, típico dessa fase malemolente da minha vida - "Raise High The Roof Beam, Carpenters", do J.D. Salinger (cujo título em português é sensacional: "Pra Cima com a Viga, Moçada"). Nunca li "O Apanhador no Campo de Centeio", até por um pouco de preconceito, mas sou apaixonado pelo "Nove Estórias" - então, nada mais natural que seguir acompanhando as personagens da família Glass ("Franny and Zooey", o livro anterior, já está na minha prateleira).

Como estou adorando o livro, resolvi dar uma vasculhada no que o fascinante e inconfiável Wikipedia tem a dizer sobre o Salinger. Eu já sabia, meio por cima, que ele tinha um pendor por crenças orientais (zen-budismo e afins), mas fiquei abismado em saber que ele passou por várias fases "crentes" na vida - muitas elas bizarras. Segue um trecho:

Salinger had sudden jumps of enthusiasm for different belief-systems that he then insisted Claire also follow. Salinger tried Dianetics (later called Scientology), even meeting L. Ron Hubbard himself, according to Claire. This was followed by a number of spiritual/medical/nutritional belief systems including Christian Science, teachings of Edgar Cayce, homeopathy, acupuncture, macrobiotics, fasting, megadoses of Vitamin C, vomiting to remove impurities, solar reflectors for tanning, drinking one's own urine (this is part of the folk-medicine of several cultures around the world; see urine therapy), "speaking in tongues" (glossolalia) which he learned at a Charismatic church, and sitting in a Reichian "orgone box" to accumulate "orgone energy."

Dá pra acreditar que, em pleno século 20, o cara que criou personagens tão fantásticos, que escreveu uma prosa tão envolvente e que relatou cenas tão singelas e profundas (aceito sugestões de mais lugares-comuns e clichês), é capaz de acreditar numa quantidade tão grande de coisas absurdas? "Speaking in tongues" e beber urina? Tá louco.

Na minha total ignorância biográfica sobre o Salinger, torço que isso seja daquelas imbecilidades do Wikipedia, tais como dizer que o muro de Berlim separava as duas Alemanhas.

2007-06-04T08:03:00.000-03:00

2007-05-29T17:10:00.000-03:00

DE VOLTA COM A PROGRAMAÇÃO NORMAL

Olho pela janela e descubro que a xoxota da Maria continua sendo a mais gostosa de POA.

Logo, sei que estou de volta à Protásio Alves, em frente ao Fornão.

2006-06-01T12:27:00.000-03:00

Himmler:
Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years.(Hitler elbows him in the ribs) Ah! Five years! (Hitler elbows him again, harder) Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke! (laughs)

2006-01-02T10:51:00.000-02:00

FIRST FRENCHMAN: Bonsoir... ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-français... maintenant... baa-aa, baa-aa... nous avons, dans la tête, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe.

SECOND FRENCHMAN: Vive Brian, wherever you are.

FIRST FRENCHMAN: D'accord, d'accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collègue, le pour célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.

2005-09-14T12:39:00.000-03:00

INTERNATIONALE PHILOSOPHIE
DEUTSCHLAND x GRIECHENLAND

DEUTSCHLAND 0
1 Leibnitz
2 I. Kant
3 Hegel
4 Schopenhauer
5 Schelling
6 Beckenbauer (obviously a bit of a surprise here)
7 Jaspers
8 Schlegel
9 Wittgenstein
10 Nietzsche
11 Heidegger

GRIECHENLAND 1
1 Plato
2 Epiktet
3 Aristoteles
4 Sophokles
5 Empedokles Von Acraga
6 Plotin
7 Epikur
8 Heraklit
9 Demokrit
10 Sokrates
11 Archimedes

GOAL:
Sokrates
REFEREE:
Kung-fu-tsze
LINESMEN:
St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas
PITCH:
München Olympic Stadium

2005-05-24T07:55:00.000-03:00

Well, they come up to you, like, and push you - shove you off the pavement, like. There's usually four or five of them.

Yeah, this used to be a nice neighbourhood before the old ladies started moving in. Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops.

2005-03-12T11:38:00.000-03:00

LA MARCHE FUTILE

I'm afraid my walk has become rather silly over these months, so it takes so long to get to the office.

2005-02-28T15:51:00.000-03:00

Large Man with Dead Body: Who's that then?
The Dead Collector: I dunno, must be a king.
Large Man with Dead Body: Why?
The Dead Collector: He hasn't got shit all over him.

2004-12-21T13:51:00.000-02:00

PRALINE: Now how about this one. It was number five, wasn’t it? (Parrot nods) Number five, ram’s bladder cup. What kind of confection is this?
MILTON: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram’s bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark’s vomit.
PRALINE: Lark’s vomit?
MILTON: Correct.
PRALINE: Well it don’t say nothing about that here.
MILTON: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.

2004-10-20T15:49:00.000-03:00

COMPERE: Harry Baggot, you're from Luton?
HARRY: Yes, Arthur, yeah.
COMPERE: Now Harry, what made you first want to try and start summarizing Proust?
HARRY: Well I first entered a seaside Summarizing Proust Competition when I was on holiday in Bournemouth, and my doctor encouraged me with it.
COMPERE: And Harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing?
HARRY: Well, strangling animals, golf and masturbating.

2004-08-16T13:06:00.000-03:00

Judge: Michael Norman Randall, you have been found guilty of the murder of Arthur Reginald Webster, Charles Patrick Trumpington, Marcel Agnes Bernstein, Lewis Anona Rudd, John Malcolm Kerr, Nigel Sinclair Robinson, Norman Arthur Potter, Felicity Jayne Stone, Jean-Paul Reynard, Rachel Shirley Donaldson, Stephen Jay Greenblatt, Karl-Heinz Mullet, Belinda Anne Ventham, Juan-Carlos Fernandez, Thor Olaf Stensgaard, Lord Kimberley of Pretoria, Lady Kimberley of Pretoria, The Right Honourable Nigel Warmsly Kimberley, Robert Henry Noonan and Felix James Bennett, on or about the morning of the 19th December 1972. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

Randall: Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.

2004-07-15T17:43:00.000-03:00

Silly Walks Applicant: Uh, well sir, I-I-I I have got a silly walk and I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it.

Silly Walks Director: I see. Well, may I see this silly walk of yours?

Silly Walks Applicant: Oh, yes, certainly.

Silly Walks Director: Yes, I see, tha-tha-that's it, is it?

Silly Walks Applicant: Ah, well, yes, that's it.

Silly Walks Director: Yes, yes, yes. It's not particularly silly, is it?

Silly Walks Applicant: Well, ah-ah...

Silly Walks Director: I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a four dare O'Brian half turn every alternate step.

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly.

Silly Walks Director: Mr. Stagback, the very real problem is what I find out. You see, there's defense, education, housing, health, social security, silly walks. They're all supposed to get the same. But last year the government spent less on Silly Walks than they did on industrial organisation. We're supposed to get 348 millions pounds a year to cover our entire Silly Walks proposal. Coffee?

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, please.

Silly Walks Director: Hello, uh, Mrs. Twolumps, uhm, could we have two cups of coffee, please.

Mrs. Twolumps: Yes, Mr. Teabag.

2004-06-23T13:46:00.000-03:00

Presenter: Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties... I'm sorry. Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats.

Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden - schlitter - crasscrenbon - fried - digger - dangle - dungle - burstein -von - knacker - thrasher - apple - banger - horowitz - ticolensic - grander - knotty -spelltinkle - grandlich - grumblemeyer - spelterwasser - kürstlich - himbleeisen -bahnwagen - gutenabend - bitte - eine - nürnburger - bratwustle - gerspurten - mit -zweimache - luber - hundsfut - gumberaber - shönendanker - kalbsfleisch - mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

To do justice to this man, thought by many to be the greatest name in German Baroque music, we present a profile of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern -schplenden - schlitter - crasscrenbon - fried - digger - dangle - dungle - burstein -von - knacker - thrasher - apple - banger - horowitz - ticolensic - grander - knotty -spelltinkle - grandlich - grumblemeyer - spelterwasser - kürstlich - himbleeisen -bahnwagen - gutenabend - bitte - eine - nürnburger - bratwustle - gerspurten - mit -zweimache - luber - hundsfut - gumberaber - shönendanker - kalbsfleisch - mittler -raucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

We start with an interview with his only surviving relative Karl Gambolputty de von Ausfern... (fades out)

2004-05-19T20:55:00.000-03:00

Is, uh... is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

2004-05-19T20:49:00.000-03:00

Palin: Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood, Devastation, Death War and Horror, and later on we'll be meeting a man who *does* gardening. But first on the show we've got a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.

Idle: Taht si crreoct.

Palin: Do you enjoy it?

Idle: I stom certainly od. Revy chum so.

Palin: And what's your name?

Idle: Hamrag - Hamrag Yatlerot.

Palin: Well, Graham, nice to have you on the show. Now, where do you come from?

Idle: Bumcreland.

Palin: Cumberland?

Idle: Stah't it sepricely.

Palin: And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare?

Idle: Sey, sey - taht si crreoct, er - ta the mnemot I'm wroking on "The Mating of the Wersh".

Palin: "The Mating of the Wersh"? By William Shakespeare?

Idle: Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake.

Palin: And what else?

Idle: "Two Netlemeng of Verona", "Twelfth Thing","The Chamrent of Venice"....

Palin: Have you done "Hamlet"?

Idle: "Thamle". 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.'

Palin: And what is your next project?

Idle: "Ring Kichard the Thrid".

Palin: I'm sorry?

Idle: 'A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!'

Palin: Ah, Ring Kichard, yes... but surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism.

Idle: If you're going to split hairs, I'm going to piss off.

2004-03-11T15:14:00.000-03:00

Biggles: (into the intercom) Algy, I have to see you.
Algy: Right ho. (he enters) What ho everyone.
Biggles: Are you gay?
Algy: I should bally well say so, old fruit.
Biggles: Ugh! (he shoots him)